Be careful what you wish for

I know the saying. I know what the saying means and I’ve lived that truth several times in my life. 

Still, I wish. 
I wish I could have a year — no, just a month — where I didn’t feel the need to juggle being mom, daughter, friend, church member, employee, sister, and responsible human being in the midst of it all. 
In fact, I would probably settle for a week or a day of that. 
I wish being an adult didn’t mean being the decision maker for so many things that impact so many others. 
I wish that other people’s words and thoughts didn’t matter to me. That I didn’t care as much. That I didn’t want to do a good job. 
Somedays, I wish I could be ok with being the person who just shows up. Punches a clock. Warms a seat. 
But that’s not me. It matters to me. People matter to me. Doing a good job and being responsible both matter to me.
I mess up. Make mistakes. Don’t always communicate well. Misunderstand. Assume. All those other things we humans do. I don’t like it, but I do. 
Because that’s life. It isn’t always easy — in fact, it rarely is — but it’s life.  

Yesterday

With all due respect to the Beatles, yesterday, my troubles did not seem far away. One of my lifelong, closest friend’s dad passed away. I spent most of the day running errands or playing taxi. I was reminded again of my own mom’s failing health and the fact that her care is bordering on being beyond what we can manage on our own. 

By the time the day ended, I was spent. Tired. Processing. Sad. I didn’t take the time to think about food. I just ate. Less than I would on some other days, maybe, but definitely more than what was needed. I knew I was eating for comfort. To numb the sadness and to find a familiar feeling. 
Today is a new day. It will also have challenges. A dear friend is moving across country and this will be her last time at church with us here. My sweet Emily is moving back to Jonesboro for another semester of college. I will gather with childhood friends to grieve the loss of another of our parents. 
Life will continue. 
With all of its beautiful messiness, life will continue. 

Saturday AM

I’ll spare you the details of everything I’ve eaten, but I do want to share some insights from tracking like this for just a couple of days. 

1: Committing to write this down makes me think about whether or not I’m actually hungry or just wanting food. That by itself is a big deal. 
2: No one is telling me what to eat, but I sort of want to make better choices anyway. The Reese’s on my desk aren’t screaming at me anymore. At supper, I got veggie fajitas because I wasn’t terribly hungry. I brought half of my lunch and supper home. 
Small steps. I don’t want a big plan that’s short term and hard to follow. I want to figure out how to deal with food in the midst of my everyday life. 

Ugh and human nature and life and such

Author’s note:  I really thought I published this yesterday.  Really.  For sequencing purposes, read this before the Ahhhhh . . . . home at last post.  

Once again, I should never set a lofty goal.  It is not in my nature nor my life circumstances to fulfill a lofty goal that involves consistency.

What I can tell you is that I’ve had a wonderful Spring and Summer.  Two projects with the community theatre.  Read a draft of a soon-to-be-published manuscript.  Trips to Memphis and Nashville and Baltimore and New York City.

Life is busy; life is good.

I’m tackling the food thing again.  I have to.  If I don’t, then it will get the best of me again and I really don’t want to go back there.

I’m reading a book (of course I’m reading a book) entitled, Stop Eating Your Heart Out. It has 21 days of thought and behavioral activities that focus on changing the thoughts and emotions surrounding food.  The first day was Write Your Food Story.  I wrote it in a journal, but I’ll also post it here.  Day two was to start charting your eating behaviors.  Each time I eat (even one bite) I’m supposed to write down:

When

What

How did I feel?

Precipitating Event


Just knowing I need to write it down makes me more aware of what I put in my mouth.  Here’s today so far:

When:  6:30 AM

What:  Coffee with creamer

How did I feel?  Tired

Precipitating Event  Got up and needed to find some energy

When:  8:00

What:  Bagel with butter

How did I feel?  Tired

Precipitating Event:  Realized I needed to get ready for work and eat something before I left.

Side note:  As I was eating the bagel, at one point I felt like I had to finish the whole thing and I really didn’t like that I’m 46 and still feel like I have to clean my plate.  So I didn’t.  I threw more than half of the second half of the bagel away. 

When:  Noon.

What: Ritz cheese crack snack pack from the break room

How did I feel?  Tired, kind of pressured and rushed, and hungry

Precipitating Event:  I was planning to go home for lunch before I took the boys to the orthodontist for consultation visits, but someone stopped by for a research consultation.  I was able to get home in time to eat a quick bowl of pasta leftovers, but not for a real meal, which led to this:

When:  1:00 PM

What:  Leftover pasta with vodka sauce (yum), spinach, and black olives

How did I feel?  Still felt rushed (eating on the run is never fun) and not quite as hungry

Precipitating Event:  See previous eating experience.

And finally (at least for this entry) . . .

When:  3:50 PM

What:  1 Reese’s cup miniature

How did I feel?  Still rushed and like a five-year-old thinking, “oh yes I can!

Precipitating Event:  Said orthodontist consult which included the words, “jaw surgery” and “consult with an oral surgeon,” and “different paths of care and treatment,” and “decisions” (none of which sounded very good) followed by taking the boys to Hasting’s followed by taking them to SHS followed by returning to work just in time to take the 4-6 shift at the front desk.

And there was still more to come on this busy day: When I left at 6:00, I had about ten things still on my to-do-list, including a Walmart trip for my parents and being a taxi to my boys.

Ahhhh….home at last.

When: 7:00 PM

What: 1 bratwurst, 1 piece of garlic bread, tortilla chips and salsa. 
How did I feel? Tired. Glad to finally be home. Hungry. Still rather hurried because I still had things to do. 
Precipitating event: I got off work, helped a friend look at a house, then drove home, thinking I still needed to go to Walmart, take the boys to the movie, stop by Mama and Daddy’s, and drop off some money at a house. 
Whew! That’s a lot. Still a lot to do. Thankfully, Noelle said she would take the boys, and I can reschedule the other stuff until tomorrow morning. 
So, yes. I finally get to sit.