What I Thought

I thought my voice would be one of cheer.  One of happiness and joy and merriment.

Now that I’m finding my voice, I find that it’s one of difficulty.  Of searching.  Of asking the hard questions and expressing the hard thoughts and not knowing if there are answers.

There is trust, though.  An unexplained trust.  And there is peace.  Even today when I feel overwhelmed, insufficient, and eternally fat, there is peace underneath it all.

Because even when I am overwhelmed, insufficient, and fat, God loves me.  He isn’t waiting until I get my act together.  He isn’t disappointed or surprised by my mistakes and my humanity.  He loves me.  He loves me and desires and maintains relationship me even at great cost.

And so there is peace.

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Keeping Commitments

You all know that writing has been a struggle for a long time.  In recent weeks, words have begun to flow again.  I’m moving some things here that I originally put on Facebook, so you may have seen them here.  The part of me that longs for quiet wants to write here not there but there is where the conversation seems to be these days.  We’ll see what happens . . .

To the Baby Crying in Church

Me too.

I hear your woeful cries of exhaustion and feelings you don’t understand. Yours is the only audible voice alongside the pray-er proclaiming goodness and victory.

And yours is the voice I choose to hear.

Weep

Cry

Voice the hurt and confusion — the longing for something beyond this moment.The longing for something more.

Today, sweet baby, you gave voice to my prayer. In your innocence and perfection and lack of understanding, you gave voice to the cry of my heart.

Not the silver tongued words of the pray-er. Not the fear of “out there.”

The honest, plaintive cries of a soul longing for something just out of reach.

To the baby crying in church: Thank you. Me too.

Commitments

For too long, I’ve said, I need to . . . I should . . . I’m going to try.

Today, I am saying I will.  I am making a commitment.  A commitment to you, if there are any who still read this blog.  A commitment to myself.  Most importantly, I am making a commitment to God.

Commitments. I am making commitments to God.

If you know me, you know I have a relationship with God that usually resembles a wrestling match.  My love for God is deep and unshakable.  My heart’s desire is to know him and for my life to be a reflection of his love and grace and mercy.  I desire to be still and know . . . to love him with all my heart, soul, strength and mind.  But  I rarely, rarely understand him.

I no longer expect to understand him, so much of my wrestling has ceased.  I can accept that what is is what is.  I seek to approach people and situations and not ask to understand, but rather how can I best love?  Be love.  Share love.  Speak love.

So my commitment is to write and share the love I see in my life.  See the places where God is so very, very good to me.

Another commitment is to read these books this summer:

1.  101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom

Although I am primarily reading this because I was asked to do a book review, the content is timely.

2.  The New Codependency

This is strictly for personal reasons.  The reality of my codependency is not new, but I’ve realized for several months that I need to remind myself of the difference between helping and enabling.  I need to remind myself that setting healthy boundaries and limits is a good thing for everyone involved, even when it’s hard.

3.  The Other Jesus: Stories From World Religions  

This is another book I’ve been asked to review.  I’m looking forward to learning something new.

An additional commitment?  I’m committed to working through my difficulties with church.  I’ve found a wonderful, faith-filled class on Sunday mornings and church times are no longer the loneliest time of my week.

And one more commitment: A life long commitment to this beautiful soul.

It’s been a very difficult few years.  Heartache.  Hurt.  Tears.  I know I’m a big talker, but I keep the things that are most important to me very close to my heart.  Because of that, I haven’t shared a lot of the difficulty of the last few years.  It’s been much, much harder than most people know or will ever understand.

But God was with me through it all.  Every step.  God was with me when I was weak and when I was strong and at a certain point, he allowed Jason to join on the journey.

I am happy in ways I didn’t know were possible on this earth.  I am safe.  I am loved.  I trust.

God is good and I am thankful.