It’s no secret that my life has been in upheaval the last few years. Lots of change. Lots of loss and grief and difficulty.
It’s no secret that writing has been difficult for me and that I’ve had multiple attempts at trying to discipline myself into writing, but it hasn’t worked.
It’s no secret that I am now incredibly happily married to Jason. What you may not realize is that I feel safe in many ways for the first time in a long time.
My head knows that through my faith in God, I had those things all along and that head knowledge kept me going on many days. Now, it isn’t just head knowledge. It’s heart knowledge. Something inside of me knows that it’s safe to process some of the difficult things I’ve put on hold for a long time.
Today, I had to deal with some money things. Money, especially, is a HUGE cause of stress for me. I started worrying. Started thinking about the what-ifs. The maybes.
The reality of the situation, however, was that we had enough. We may not have a lot extra, but we have enough and we both have jobs that will provide the next paycheck. When I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself of that, I was able to settle and not feel so panicky.
Here’s the thing. Or a thing. Or maybe just something.
I’ve never thought of myself as a worrier. I may not be the calmest person in the world, but I typically always believed that things would work out. Somehow, in the midst of all of that change and turmoil and difficulty that changed. Now, it’s more of a choice to remember that I’m ok.
One thing that Gandalf (code name for my counselor) mentioned to me was the need to remind myself of who I am. Sometimes I feel powerless. Voiceless. I don’t like the word “victim,” but I suppose those are elements of victim thinking and I do not want to be a victim.
So today, I reminded myself of who I am — of what is true about me.
I am safe
I am capable
I am kind
I am intelligent
I am loved
I am talented
I am stable — financially and otherwise
I am a good mom
I am a good wife
I am a good daughter
I am not perfect and never will be, but I care deeply for people and do what I can to be a positive presence in their lives.
I don’t know if there’s wisdom in this post. There are no big answers for the world, but there are a few things that gave me answers today. Live based on what’s real, not on what’s imagined. Know who I am. Be who I am. Let faith in God be the reason, but appreciate it when a person adds to that knowledge. Let the people who help you know the reality of God’s love know that you appreciate them. Say it. Act on it. Don’t take it for granted. Not every relationship has that component.