observations from this week

  • i can’t do tic marks for how often i hear fred instead of jimmy because my internal dialogue is primarily negative.
  • the internal dialogue is primarily worry and fear based.  what if? am i good enough? will i look ok? what will they think? is what i’m doing ok? what if i’m wrong? what if he gets angry?
  • i loved watching President Carter during his press conference.  he was a picture of grace and firm faith.  he knew his God. he knew himself. he was calm and poised and ready.
  • i want that level of grace and calm and preparation.
  • yesterday in class, we had to write down the secret struggle that we didn’t share with people — the one that caused us the most hurt.  it didn’t take me any time to write down, “i hate my body.”  it’s the first time i’ve thought of it in such a clear way, but noticing just how pervasive the self-doubt is has made me realize that it’s true.  it’s been my biggest source of shame across my entire life.  it’s my point of failure. i love my intelligence.  i love my kindness.  i love my musical talent and my ability to love deeply.  i love my thirst for spirituality.

    but i hate my body. it’s my shame, my shortcoming, my embarrassment.  my not- good-enough. my failure.

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