Today’s session was a bit deeper. We listened to a few more of the speakers of my internal dialog and found that Fred is not the biggest negative voice. Instead, it’s a character we called MC. For a couple of different reasons, I’ve since decided that MC Hammer is a more accurate name. Not the MC Hammer who wears gold harem pants and dances sideways, although having that as a complementary visual does help it seem less intimidating.
Someday, I’ll share a picture of MC Hammer, but today just know that it’s there. Always speaking. Always questioning my decisions. Always telling me there’s something wrong with me.
The happy part of me is someone I’ll call Ellie. She’s little me (Little Lisa) but I’m using the two Ls to give her a new name. She’s bright and fun and loves it when her mom plays Broadway music at home. She loves to sing and make people happy. She likes who she is, but she’s also sad because she doesn’t feel like it’s OK to be as loud as she is. She thinks quiet is more favored.
And there’s also Allie or Adult Lisa. Me when I know I’m capable and and feel confident and know I’ve completed a hard task or given my all to a project. Me who doesn’t seek others’ approval.
So on this journey toward a healthier life, I have Jimmy Carter, Fred, MC Hammer, Ellie and Allie. This week, I’ll be journaling about Allie and Ellie’s sadness and fears and I’ll also be making a list of 10-20 things I can do to feel more energized and alive. Some kind of performing is a priority on the list. I’m also posting and practicing this truth: I know my goals. I know what I’m capable of and I can do it.