I’m thankful

I’m thankful for this man.

I’m thankful for the way he can make me laugh and cry and how he comes alongside me in all of life’s crazy situations.

I’m thankful for the healing that comes with time and the fact that sometimes — years later — we get answers.

Last week my friends J and C had a baby.  A bit earlier than expected, but everyone is healthy and home.  In the middle of their story about why their sweet girl was a few weeks early, I found an answer to why I never got to bring my first baby home.

For the first time in my life, I heard the term cholestasis of pregnancy The chief symptom is intense itching in the final weeks of pregnancy.  My main experience at the end of that pregnancy?  Intense itching.  Extreme itching.  Itching that nothing could relieve and itching that kept me awake at night.  Itching that I would scratch in my sleep and wake up with bruises from the scratching.

Although there are no long term risks for the mother, it can lead to fetal death if left to go full term.

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So although I’m still waiting to hold my baby and I still wonder who she would be and who I would be if she had lived, a part of my questioning soul has been calmed.

And I’m thankful for that sweet man up there who listened to me talk through all of that and who has taken flowers to her grave when I couldn’t and has understood the very complicated heartache that is the story of my firstborn.

For answers and second chances, I am thankful.

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