The other thing I’ve always known is that I’m a mom.
Before I conceived . . . before any children were born to me, I knew I was a mom. It would’ve been childbirth or adoption or just bringing people into my life somehow, but I knew I was a mom.
And I knew that being a mom was hugely important. I knew what it was like to have a damaged mother and I didn’t want to continue that. I wanted to be a mom who helped. Who healed. Who encouraged and empowered.
Those are my truths: There is a Truth bigger and truer than we will ever be and that I am a mom. Those are the truths I want to center my story on. The story of my search for Truth and my story of being a mom.
In a few short weeks, I will tell my story in our Sunday morning class. I’ve been scheduled to do this for a few months, but February seemed so very far away that I’ve done precious little other than think about it.
It’s time to start writing.
I’ve pondered this — how do I fit almost 50 years of life into a 35 minute segment of time? —and I’m not sure I have the answers.
Do I tell the story of my very disordered and dysfunctional childhood?
Do I tell the story of my ups and downs with food and weight and body?
Do I talk about growing up HA and trying to be the oh-so-perfect-picket-fence family only to discover that it doesn’t work?
But I don’t think that’s who I am.
Who am I?
What do I know to be true?
From an early time, I’ve known there is Truth. There is something bigger than I am who can and will hear my story and my cries for help that come from hurt and anger. I know that sometimes that Truth steps in and grants requests in very obvious ways and sometimes that truth lets things be, but I’ve always known that Truth operates from a place and love, compassion, and grace — even when I couldn’t call it that, I knew that love, compassion, and grace was its vantage point.
I didn’t read all the books
But I had a wonderful time spending my days with my family
I didn’t watch all the movies
Except for the days I spent watching all the Terminator movies with Jason
I didn’t go for all the walks
But I did explore the Curvy Yoga site, find some videos I like, and start an accountability check in with someone else on the site.
But I did knit all the things.
I finished the projects I needed to finish and remembered how much I enjoy knitting. Happy rediscoveries are the best.
I have a good life. I have a husband who loves me and encourages me to be my best person. I have children who enjoy coming home or being home. My focus is being as welcoming and loving to myself as I am to others.
Welcoming my core truths
Welcoming my physical presence
Welcoming my joy of living
I have some goals for this year. I want to read more, so I set a goal of reading 10 books. I want to rediscover the activities that my body enjoys — regular yoga, walking, moving to music — and carve out time in my life.
And I want to show up for the people who matter. Sadly, these days that involves going to funerals, but I will prioritize people over things and agendas and I will be there.