10/10

october

I can’t let today pass without acknowledging it.

Twenty-nine years ago today, I became a mom.

I didn’t get to bring that baby home with me.  That sweet baby girl who seemed perfect. Who was named for a song about hippies who wanted to change the world and for a Sanskrit word that means “a joy that changes and dances itself in many ways to enthrall your mind and keep your attention occupied and interested forever.”

A baby girl who didn’t live to see this world, but who still changed my life forever.  In the busyness of life, I haven’t always acknowledged this day, but at any time, I could tell you how old my first daughter would’ve been if she had lived.

And I’m thankful for the life she had before she was born.

I’m also thankful for the first daughter I did get to bring home and the redemption she brought to this day.  Not only did she fill the empty space in my arms, but a year ago today, she brought another daughter into my heart.  Life isn’t always what we picture it would be. I didn’t picture that my daughter would be legally wed to a woman, but Becca and Brittney are facing life with strength and dignity.  They bought a house.  They’re paying off debt.  They’re going to school to improve their education and career options.

And I’m thankful that I get to be mom to both of them as they journey through life.

October 10th will always be a loaded day for me.  There’s no escaping it. God, however, with his exceptionally gifted ways, has turned the mourning into dancing and has put some joy back into a date that was difficult for many years.

There’s much about life I don’t understand and I’m OK with letting God take care of those things. I don’t know all the whys and wherefores and rights and wrongs, but I know that God wants me to love people, and that’s a test I can get a 10/10 on.

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