It’s the end of the semester. All of my course work has been turned in. I have one meeting left with a professor to go, but I’m having a hard time getting it scheduled.
I’m incredibly restless at work because my specific job duties are very wrapped up by this time of year. To be honest, I struggle at the end of every semester because I don’t have a school schedule. I won’t be off for a month. I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep doing things that need to be done. I’d rather be at home doing things that need to be done there, but that’s not my reality. It’s a privilege to have a job and I’m working on contentment, but this time of year it’s difficult.
This time of year, I am also tempted to return to diet world or at least food tracking world. I saw a video of myself the other day and it was hard to watch. My mental image of myself doesn’t match my physical reality and ever since then, I’ve wanted to be smaller, which means dieting.
But dieting isn’t a magic pill and neither is being smaller. Maybe it’s just the stress talking to me. Part of me wants to go home and curl up on a couch and not be responsible for anything because on any given day, I do a lot.
- I’m a yoga teacher
- I work full time with college students
- I’m in grad school and have homework
- I’m a mom and even though my kids aren’t at home, I have ongoing discussions with them about life
- I am also a yoga student
- I am a friend
- I am a wife
- And occasionally, I need to just be Lisa
I’ve spent most of my life wanting to fix something — my family, my body, my house, my lack of knowledge in certain areas — it didn’t really matter what, but there’s always seemed to be something to fix.
Now, I have a beautiful marriage and a wonderful house and home. I’m in a graduate program I enjoy and I’m doing well. I have amazing friends. My kids are kind of stumbling through young adult life, but they’re really doing ok. I set a huge goal a couple of years ago of becoming a certified yoga teacher and I finished it this past year. I teach yoga at least once a week. Me. Plus size me teaches yoga.
And I still doubt myself. I doubt myself as a student. I doubt myself as a mom. I doubt myself as a friend (they don’t really want to be with me, do they? Aren’t I just the add-on?) and I doubt myself as a yogi. It all falls into the “good enough” thinking, not the life done in love thinking. I love my kids. I love being in school. I love yoga. I love my friends. If I could get beyond thinking I have to be good enough and simply do things because I love them, how much of a difference would it make?